A Picture of Truth

Years of my life I spent captive to sin. Truth is what freed me from the bondage, from my suffering. I knew from early on in my redemption that being honest and transparent is how God would use me to speak to others. As time passed, this has become easier. That is, when I am working on my own cavas.
I have sought truth in the Bible, in prayer and meditation. And God has spoken truth to me through the lips of godly men and women who He has put in my path. These things are the medium with which I paint my life now. The black pigment has bled from the white paint and gray has taken the proper place on my palette. It no longer dominates the landscape.
I stand back and gaze upon the beauty God has brought to my life. Then I feel foolish for thinking this is my masterpiece. It is His painting.

Maestro

I spend so much of my time behind my eyes, conversing with myself, or is it God's Spirit who whispers thought to me? As I step away from my work which has keep my thoughts orderly and channeled for the past two hours, my focus dissolves and I wonder into the chaos that surrounds me. Thoughts are now muddled by the children's' emotional volley between laughter and happiness to argument and crying. All that we need to accomplish today batters my mind and sends the clarity I had honed fleeing. I stretch my mind to try to capture the thoughts before they escape but 'tis little avail. I stop what I am doing, and come to my journal, where I can imprison the thoughts my mind managed to shackle.
God has placed me here in these circumstances because He is my maestro. Since the dawn of time, our God has brought order to chaos. Every note orchestrated into the great symphony of creation. I know it is my sloth and selfishness that creates this chaos around me. And, it is God working out my salvation that will order it into a glorious composition.
But, there is another conductor that craves the artist in me. And sometimes, my ears are distracted from the joyous melody that surrounds me. The shame of the areas of my life in which I feel I am failing causes me to miss a beat or play the wrong note. But I am reminded by music in front of me and the rest of the symphony that plays with me to keep my attention on the maestro. No one plays a piece perfectly the first time they try. You do not fail until you put your instrument down.

Court

This morning, I sit in the court house, waiting to appear before the judge for a momentary lapse of awareness of everything that was happening around me. An intersection I find myself at almost as often as I leave my house became mundane, its crossing a thoughtless task. My mind occupied by things more urgent, my contribution to the festival that would crown my daughters' soccer season. Had I remembered the drinks when I picked up the other things on the list that was etched on a fragment of my brain, that morning would not have found me at the intersection of Bass, East Brianerd and Old Birds Mill. I would have wridden to the soccer field with careful driving husband. And maybe, I would not be sitting here in court today if I had.

Instead, this morning may have found me sitting at my computer or around our makeshift classroom that we rarely use for its intended purpose, dining. But maybe, this morning would not have found me at all. Maybe God erased the drinks from my mental list to direct my paths in a different direction that morning. Maybe, an alternate scenario would have put me or my family in harms way. Maybe, inconvenience and material damage saved my life that day. Or maybe, the 6 months of careful driving that will dismiss my failure to yield citation will guard me in the future. What was lost -- the money, the pristine appearance of my vehicle, the 10 minutes of sanity -- rarely cross the threshold of thought now a days. But, they do today.

We never know what evil God protects us from on a daily basis. What He allows is evident and can nurture or hamper our faith. The real question is, do I believe that God is good and that in that goodness He orchestrates the details of my life for His glory and my salvation? Today, I choose to be grateful that I sit here in a court room with my three precious daughters that God has chosen to renew my lease on.

My Head Is Going to Explode

Did God punish sin because He was angry and demanded payment or was it because He is holy and wants a relationship with us? He cannot have relationship with us without reconciliation. I have always thought that He demanded a ransom for sin and needed to punish man for sinning. The sentence He gave Adam for sin was death, which I understand to mean separation from God. Was the separation from Him not our punishment? Then, we are left with the fact that we are not capable of atoning for our sin. God provided a way for us to be reconciled to him. He would send his son to live a life worthy of the reward we lost in the fall and pay for our sins by His death on the cross. So far, I understand the atonement. I guess what I am struggling with is His motive. God certainly did not have to provide a means for our redemption. That was not promised to Adam before he sinned. He could have just let man go about his business and live separated from Him for eternity. That would have paid for our sin. So, why would he provide a way? It does not seem logical that He chose to do so because he was angry with man. That is absurd. Therefore, I am left to conclude that He did it because He loves us and wants a relationship with us. Why then, is the atonement described as satisfying the demand of God’s wrath? God cannot have a relationship with us because we choose to live a life separated from Him. Here is what I understand all evil and sin to be: We don’t trust that He is good. We want the knowledge of good and evil so we can decide for ourselves if He is good. We do not believe Him. And that is where we are left without grace, which as I understand it is his choice to provide a means to have a relationship with us. My theology may be off here. Why do people always reference Calvin on these issues instead of scripture?

What I am really asking, is this: Is God mad at us? Has he ever been? Do the words wrath and anger carry the same meaning now as they did when the Bible was penned?

I'm Back--Marathon Training Week 16

The misuse of language, mainly the excessive use of hyperbole, has stifled our ability to convey how we truly feel using written words. This thought came to me when I wanted to describe my interval workout on the treadmill as brutal. But brutal is such a strong word, what word would I use if I wanted to describe something that truly is brutal. Using weighty words so freely desensitizes us and takes their meaning away, rendering them useless (CS Lewis adresses this in Mere Christianity).
I decided to run another marathon in April and started official training today. I warmed up with a 9.5 minute mile and then did 3 sets of two 800 meter 10K pace intervals with 90 seconds between each interval and 5 minutes between each set. Or, I tried. I did one interval at my 10K pace and they got progessively slower until the last one was an 8:34 pace. The combination of tapering, my cold, the marathon, the sinus infection, and "recovery" took its toll on my cardiovascular condition. But, I am optimistic that I can quickly recover my fitness loss.

Marathon Training Week 13 & 14 in Review

I have really slacked logging my runs. I had a great week 13. I did an easy 5 miles on Monday, an 8 mile interal workout on Tuesday, a 10 mile tempo run on Wednesday. On Friday, I ran 20 miles in 3 hours and 7 minutes. It was very hard and my legs were very weak. I was sore through Sunday. I ran 4 miles on Monday, and did the Turkey Trot, a 5 mile race, on Thursday. I finished in 31:28 and placed 3rd in my age group. I was very pleased. I took off Friday and ran 16 miles today. I have eaten really bad for the past 2 days and expected it to hurt me worse than it did. I was rested, and fully hydrated, that may have balanced out the damage I did to my body with all the sugar and processed food I ate on Thanksgiving and the day after. I averaged 8:56, which is about my goal for the race. I felt pretty good, but I was bored as I ran the same loop around my house 3 times.

Marathon Training, Week 12 Day 6

My day was busy yesterday so I did not get a chance to write about my run until now. I took my girls up to my mom's and ran 18 miles while she watched them for me. This being the second to last long run I will have before the marathon, I went out to test my limits. Qualifing for Boston has been in the back of my mind since I started this, so I decided to see if I have what it takes. I started out with a 8:15-8:30 pace and felt fantastic for the first 7 miles. I started out at a 1/2 mile track and warmed up there, then got a drink and did a 4 mile loop that brought me back to my car at mile 6 so I could hydrate and fuel. I did not want to keep running in circles, so I carried my quart size water bottle and energy bar with me. I think that slowed me down, because I dropped to an 8:40 miles 8-11 or so. I put it down and picked back up til mile 15. It was hard and I had to pray that God would help me. As soon as I had forgotten my prayer, I got chased by a dog. When it was over, I laughed at God's sense of humor. The adrenaline rush caused me to run mile 13 in 8:12. I pushed thru mile 15 and then I was out of steam. Dropped to a 9-10 on mile 16-18. That gave me an average of 8:43 for the run. I was pleased with my performance, but if I am going to qualify for Boston, I need something I don't have yet.
I felt really bad for a couple of hours after the run. I had to to ibuprofen for my tension headache. That is the first time I have taken any medicine in 2 weeks. I felt a little queasy and weak.
On the bright side, I feel fantastic again today. I am not even sore, which is remarkable .